In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going. -R. M. Drake
My biggest struggle in life is choosing between the happiness of others and my own. I’ve always been the person who goes the extra mile for those who won’t give me an inch, and I truly thought being that rock for everyone made me happy. I valued how much people depended on me, even if they sucked all the life out of me in return. Unfortunately, I based all of my major decisions on what would make other people happy without considering if it made me happy too.
These past months have been rough–to say the least–and I didn’t fully notice the extent of it until recently. For a while I’ve been hearing things along the lines of, “Becca, you’ve changed so much,” and “You used to be so much happier, what happened?” It took me a long time but I finally sat down with my repressed thoughts and concluded, shit they were all right. I’ve been living my life based on what I thought would make my friends and family happy, not myself. I’m not the kind of person to blame my problems on others. So I just sat with myself and finally came to terms with how unhappy I’ve been.
I love to think of myself as this care-free, adventurous spirit, who doesn’t let anything affect me. Recently, that’s the farthest from the truth. I’ve completely let how others see me impact how I see myself. I found myself in so much drama that I never knew was possible. Drama makes me anxious and it’s in my nature to be the peacekeeper. I constantly found myself involved when my intentions were only to help and right when I thought a situation was resolved, a new one sparked up. It was a beyond exhausting cycle.
I have allowed for so many toxic people to remain in my life simply because I didn’t think I was strong enough to cut those ties and part of me feared what my life would be like without them. Now that I am completely emotionally drained, I realized I was wrong. There’s something admirable in being able to put yourself first and not overly concern yourself with how it will affect others. I used to think that was selfish, but I’m starting to think being a little selfish isn’t so bad if you’ll be happier in the long run.
I have complete control over my life and have the power to make decisions that will benefit me in the future, and to me, that’s the most beautiful thing. I’m not stuck unless I choose to be. And from here on out I choose to start putting myself first and not compromise my own happiness for the sake of others.
These next few weeks are going to be about me and my self-growth. I want to regain that confidence and self-assurance I used to have. Actively making changes instead of just waiting for life to get better makes me feel empowered.
For starters, I’m only surrounding myself with positive energy and people that don’t make me question my self worth. I left one of my jobs because it was no longer giving me the happiness it used to, I’m back in school and I’m starting to make changes to my overall lifestyle to start being healthier.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.